Blog 19 - What is considered back? 

March 30, 2021

This is a question I keep asking myself as a restrictions loosened and trainings have somewhat resumed. I haven’t blogged about them because for me they’ve not felt like a “next stage” as maybe I’m taking things light- I’m doing most the drills, cutting really hard on my left side, but maybe 50%- 70% on my right leg. But as the weeks progress and the summer comes closer, what will be considered back? When I complete all of my drills? When I give a hundred percent on everything? When I have a matchup in the drill and win it or play a point or a game or a tournament? The threshold for what is back is blurry and to be honest, a bit scary. If you read my last blog, I mentioned that the difference between what I thought was possible in the short term was significantly better than I initially thought, and coming back may reachable in less time, but as I have this phased return to training where I do most things at 90%, I question when will I be back, and when will I feel back- and when do I stop saying “I’m injured” and start saying “I was injured.”.
For now, I’m just gonna work hard. It’s been a long 13 months of recovery, and one where I have found myself with little motivation to learn and to recover because there was nothing to work for but also knowing that, when things return as in they are now, I’d be somewhat disappointed at my progress. Somewhat disappointed is the keyword there. I don’t know how strong I could be and if I could be playing a 100%. Who knows? For now it’s time to get my head down. This isn’t some ‘I feel motivated for a couple weeks thing’ but then kind of give up once I forget why I’m motivated. This is a down to the core kind of rebirthing. I took some time off work to get in the right head space to start planning, and to a degree, I guess to start living again. To start playing hard again. To start training hard again. Now’s the time to just  work hard because it will not be long until I’ll need to be better and I’m working for that and I’m working for past Johnny. The Johnny that sat with no one to talk to for months, no one to throw, that couldn’t run or walk and only left the house once a week to get shopping. I’m doing it for him because I know that he wants to be me. He wants to run and throw and catch and dive; so I will.